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Bernard was a cowboy out on the lonesome trail
He had studied nuclear fusion in an Arizona jail
He rode on the biggest leopard you could ever wish to see
And was making his way homeward singing 'O Poor Lonesome Me'
When a hobbit and a wizard and some dwarves and also elves
Jumped out from behind a cactus looking happy with themselves
They demanded lots of money and then asked about a ring
Bernard smoked upon his cigarette and didn't say a thing
But the leopard bared its teeth and then rushed in for the kill
And when the fighting was all over
Bernard said, 'It was God's will.'